When a family experiences the death of a loved one, parents often ask,"Should I take my child to the funeral?" In most cases, it is appropriate to take even small children to a visitation or a funeral, at least for a short time. Any child, who reaches up and touches his papa's face or snuggles into his mommy's neck, is showing love. Children who feel love can also feel grief. Without love, there seldom is grief. Deciding to take a child to a funeral or visitation depends on the child's relationship with the person who died. If the relationship was a close one, by all means bring the child no matter what his age. Visitations are less formal than funerals and most children are a welcome relief to those who are grieving. A funeral service, much like a church service, is more formal lasting from twenty minutes to sixty minutes in length. If the parent is grieving strongly and has trouble caring for her child, ask a good friend who is less involved to help by sitting with the child in the back seats of the chapel. The grownup can take the child out if she becomes a distraction to the grievers.
Little kids can understand that death is the absence of life. They see it all the time in nature; leaves, bugs, worms, birds, animals in the road etc. What seems to trouble children the most is the thought that they are personally responsible for a death. In their young minds they believe they have power to change circumstances. For example when daddy is grumpy, they smile at him and magically he smiles back. But if he fails to smile back, the child thinks that somehow they are at fault.
I remember working with an eight year old little girl who was positive she made her grandma die because she prayed that God would "take" her grandma so she would not suffer anymore. This little girl was shocked when her grandma actually died and was surprised that God actually answered her prayers. She regretted her request, felt responsible and felt overwhelmed with grief. Her feelings were soon resolved as she talked it over with a caring, non-judgmental, knowledgeable adult. She was able to figure out for herself that everyone in the family was praying for grandma's release from suffering. She also understood that if grandma had not died, grandma would still be in a lot of pain. After she thought this through, she was able to feel relief that grandma's suffering was over and let go of her responsibility for grandma's death.
If children do not hear the truth about what happened or are left to figure it out them selves, they will almost certainly make up their own story which can actually be worse than the truth. Even the old saying, "don't open an umbrella in the house or someone will die" can be taken literally by kids, especially if someone does die in the near future. Children need adults when they are facing something as traumatic as the death of a loved one.
Several years ago when I worked as the Children's Bereavement Director for a funeral home who's staff understood kids feelings, a young child, four years old, died tragically in a drowning accident. His parents ran a small daycare with about twelve children ranging in age from two to four. All the children knew and played with Timmy on a daily basis. Timmy's parents heard about the children's program at the funeral home and called to talk with us. The funeral director and I encouraged the family to inform the daycare children's parents we would be there to help them.
At the designated day and hour the children and their parents arrived. Some of the children were weeping, some were clinging to Mom or Dad and others had bewildered looks on their little faces. These little kids were facing a very difficult "first time" in their lives. They'd experienced many of them already: first time to the dentist, first time getting dressed by them selves and first time going to school, among others. Most children usually do not have experience with someone they love dying until they are much older. Nevertheless the parents of these children were to be commended for understanding that this experience was best faced head on for emotional wellness.
Our goals for the 10-15 minute talk were to 1-encourage trust in us as helpers from both the children and their parents. 2-use kid friendly terms to explain what happened to their friend and what would happen next 3-give permissions for feelings, thoughts and questions and 4-provide concrete ways for them to honor and celebrate their friend.
We accomplished the first and second goals by identifying with the kids when we sat on the floor with them and spoke the truth by talking in their language and expressing feeling words as their parents listened in. We used a puppet to explain life and death. When my hand was in the puppet, there was "life". When I removed my hand, the "life" was gone, very similar to what had happened to their friend. With no life in the body, therefore, their little friend did not feel anything any more which is an important point to children who feel afraid that the deceased child will be scared or cold. The third goal was accomplished by giving the children permission to feel all different kinds of emotions. We named several emotions and declared that all feelings are OK. But it was important to do something with our feelings that would not hurt ourselves or anyone else. To complete the fifth goal, we showed "tools" we could use to express feelings in a healthy way in the form of puppets, quiet toys and art supplies.
We invited the children and their parents to see their friend in the casket surrounded by many of his favorite things his parents had brought such as his blanket, his teddy bear and even his shoes. The children and their families found comfort in seeing these ordinary things and after some tears, they began to share memories of their friend and soon, tears turned into laughter at some funny thing their friend had done. When the daycare kids became a little restless I invited them to come with me to the play area. Paper hearts, stickers and letters were available to stick on a length of pink cloth to make a banner for their friend. With a grown up's help, the kids wrote messages of "I love you and I'll miss you." When they were finished, I helped the children proudly present the banner to their friends' parents. Timmy's parents were grateful and placed the banner in a prominent place by the casket. When it was time to leave, the children, their parents and Timmy's mom and dad shared with me how relieved they were that the children seemed to understand and shared their love and grief over the death of their friend in healthy ways. In the weeks that followed, I heard from Timmy's mom that the preschool children were playing "funeral" during playtime. They even chose one child to be the preacher. I was pleased knowing that the children were not afraid to express themselves. When grown ups are actively involved in even sad situations like this, they are modeling caring, honesty and a spirit of "this is hard but together we can get through it." If children are not involved in major family responses to sad times they often draw unhealthy conclusions that can slow down their emotional health even lasting to and through adulthood often requiring counseling.
In conclusion, the suggestion can be made that children and parents alike can grow stronger by facing difficult times together head on with simplicity, honesty and caring. You too can make a difference in a child's life. When the tragedy of death touches a family you know, you can offer to help the kids in the family by taking art supplies, a puppet and quiet toys to the visitation. Ask the funeral director for a folding table or take your own and set up a small space where kids can express their love through art for the loved one who died. Listen carefully and be sure to mention the real reason the person died not because of something a child did or did not do. What a difference you can make in a child's life that will set him or her on a healthy path of coping not only with death but other hard things that will come their way. Funerals and visitations can be helpful to children when an adult takes the time to listen and interact with the child. What that adult is doing is building coping skills for the next hard thing to come into the child's life.
Granny Grace Productions
http://www.grannygracecares.com
Children's Bereavement Care Director
Conley Funeral Home
1987-2001
Elburn, IL
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